I have an addiction. My drug of choice isn’t a controlled substance, and it can’t be bought in the stores or at the pharmacy.
My drug is the little red circle that appears whenever I check my Wattpad account. It’s the email I receive notifying me when someone had liked, given kudos, or reviewed one of my fanfics. I am addicted to validation.
Confession time: although I no longer write fanfiction, I still occasionally check back to Wattpad, Fanfiction.net, and Archive of our Own to see if the masses are still reading my stories.
The brief hit of seeing that someone liked something I wrote is always nice, but what really gives me my dopamine high is when a person takes the time to write to me to tell me how much my fanfic is “OMG THE BEST THING EVER!”
But here’s the messed-up part: no sooner do I take in that initial rush of validation, the high is gone, vanishing into the ether like so much smoke dissipating from an opium pipe.
The joy is fleeting. So I’m constantly looking, constantly checking for new instances of validation to sate my never-ending hunger.
It’s the same for when I post on the Medium or to other sites. I keep going back, hoping to see that someone has shared my thoughts on social media, or has left a comment of encouragement or praise.
Sometimes I undergo a “bad trip” (someone sends me spam in lieu of a valid review or comment; a person picks apart my writing in the comments section) but then I’m recalibrated as soon as that next like or positive feedback comes through the pipeline.
I recognize that I have a problem. It’s not healthy, nor is it productive to obsessively check for feedback. As humans we are hardwired to seek out actions and behaviors that are approved by the tribe; it is a holdover from our more primitive ancestors that encouraged our survival.
But we are not monkeys! We are not primitive caveman at risk of being eaten by predators. We are civilized human beings, and we won’t die if our work goes unnoticed or unacknowledged for a day, or a year, or forever.
So I am addicted. And like any addiction, I know that I can’t just go “cold turkey” and expect no consequences. There will be a withdrawal phase, but I can lessen its effects if I just wean myself off the stuff of validation
Schedule A Day to Check for Reviews 📝
I’ll be doing one task on the computer, and then suddenly I’m online, scouring Google and Twitter to see if anyone had mentioned my writing in a positive light. I’ll check the clock and realize I’ve wasted an hour on this activity. How did this happen?!
I think it would be wiser to schedule a time during the week to indulge in my bad habit. Maybe the weekend, maybe when I have downtime in the evening, but NEVER during work hours or just before bedtime. Boundaries need to be set, for my own sanity.
Don’t Feed the Beast 👹
Oftentimes I succumb to my search for validation. Then afterward I feel the hangover of guilt that comes with wasting time, realizing I could have used that same time to work on an unfinished project and get it out the world.
So I try to train myself to take on another action when the urge hits. When I want to read reviews and check and for likes, I try to visualize all the new, better feedback on my next project because it shows how much I’ve grown as a writer. Then I get excited and get back to work.
STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER 🛑
Sometimes the allure is just too great and I have to check online. So if I don’t need to be near a computer, I’ll extricate myself and do something else. Play video games, clean the house, take a walk, eat something. Usually, these other activities allow for my mind to wander and I think of new topics and ideas which I can turn into my next project.
None of these solutions are foolproof; in fact, while I may be successful one day I may relapse the next day, I chastise myself and the cycle continues.
That’s the consequence of living in our modern era of technology. We are so used to the convenience of instant gratification that we’ve come to expect in everything we do. Every photo on Instagram, every post on Facebook, every published story on Medium. We are a slave to our circumstance. But we don’t have to be.
We can continue to write for the likes and validation, as long as we remember to ALWAYS write for ourselves. Words of praise are hollow and meaningless if we’re writing only to receive recognition; we have to enjoy what we create for any of the other stuff to matter.
And if we write something that we’re passionate about and it turns out to be a viral success….well, then that’s just gravy.
Do you agree? Do you struggle with addiction when it comes to likes and validation? What are some of your techniques that help kick your habit to the curb?
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Sylvie Soul is a recovering fanfiction writer on the path to writing her first novel. When not deliberating over plot holes and negotiating extra-lean word counts, she hopes to use her years of experience teaching other aspiring writers to follow their dreams and pursue their writing journey. Check out Sylvie’s Twitter page or visit her website at sylviesoul.com.
Hi Sylvie, first off, I hope this comment doesn’t trigger a validation relapse :p But I’m so glad I found your post. I recently realized I’m suffering the same addiction to likes and comments on my blog posts. I thought I’d overcome it when last year I did a 100 day writing challenge (an idea of Seth Godin) and purposely turned off likes and comments. It was just meant to be about learning to write consistently, and it worked. I was able to get into the writing process quicker each day, without looking for those bloody red dots. I was totally focused on reaching the 100th day.
But since then I’ve slipped back. Sometimes I’m confused about why I’m even writing at all, and I know it’s because I’m seeking validation again, rather than writing with a self driven purpose.
Reading Seth Godin’s The Practice is helping me see more clearly the futility of validation, he describes it in terms of fuel: validation is not a sustainable fuel source and will burn out. Your post has given me some additional helpful mindsets that I can’t wait to use! Especially scheduling a time to check feedback and stepping away from the computer. You know that feeling after you’ve been sucked into a validation hole for an hour or two, stuck in your chair, without drinking any water – aagghhh, yes forcing myself to step away sounds good!
I do hope you’re reading this on a scheduled feedback checking day. If not, you know what to do! 🙂
Thank you thank you for sharing,
Abraham
Thank you so much for your response, Abraham! 😀
I genuinely hope you get some value from my tips – I still succumb to the desire for validation, but it’s all part and parcel with being human.
And I will definitely look for Seth Godin’s The Practice – thank you for the book recommendation! 🙂