Popular online personality Desmond Amofah, aka Etika, has died of an apparent suicide. He was 29.
We regret to inform that Desmond Amofah aka Etika has been found deceased. https://t.co/sedwZZxglw
— NYPD NEWS (@NYPDnews) June 25, 2019
Etika had a huge following on his Youtube and Twitch channels. His claim to fame was his infamous reaction videos, many of involved him enthusiastically responding to roster reveals from the Super Smash Bros. franchise.
I didn’t know the man, and I couldn’t even begin to understand what would compel him to allegedly take his own life. But as a 30-something grown-ass black woman, his videos gave me genuine joy.
But why were his videos so popular? Perhaps it was because he was an outlet, a conduit for all the pent-up, supressed emotions felt by older nostalgic video game fans.
Remember the N64 kid? How often do you see adults react with such unfiltered excitement and vigour?
That’s what made Etika special: he embodied the exuberance of a kid on Christmas Day, with the physicality and vocabulary of an adult. The anachronism was as striking as it was alluring.
Etika wore his zeal on his sleeve. Because of that, what was known as his greatest strength also became his biggest downfall.
Etika was the quintessential manchild. But what happens when the manchild eventually has to grow up?
What happens when the responsibilities and disappointments of adulthood co-opt the unbridled passion and inhibition of the child gamer?
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
When you strip away the exuberant love and devotion to the altar of video games, what is left of Etika’s personality?
Bear in mind we can only go based off of the persona he projected to the public, to his fans.
That persona consisted of a man who really, truly loved video games, but what was left when you stripped all of that away?
Nothing.
Etika personified his passion to the nth degree.
His love of the medium was infectious and made me harken back to my own days as a little girl who wanted nothing more than to play her SNES.
But because Etika gave his all to his fans and to his fandom, there was nothing left for him to hold onto.
In his last recorded video he spoke about having no one, that he pushed people away.
In the end he truly felt like he had nothing.
Like…dammit, what’s the point of being excited for the Banjo-Kazooie reveal if there’s no one left to enjoy it with you?
When news broke of Etika’s death, you know what was the very first thing I did? I reached out to all of my siblings.
In fact, my fondest memories were not of me playing video games by myself. They involved playing video games on the N64 with my brothers and sister.
All we knew of Etika existed in fandom.
There’s a scary juncture that comes with children crossing the threshold into adulthood.
As a child we can love something so fiercely—a doll, a blanket, a movie, a TV character—that it becomes part of who we are, ingrained into our little psyche.
But eventually as we mature and grow up, we compartmentalize fandom as a facet of our personality, rather the all-encompassing theme.
As a child, I fiercely loved Hey Arnold!
I devoted 2 decades of my life to writing Hey Arnold! fanfiction. For a good part of my youth, the cartoon was my LIFE.
Then, a shift occurred. I was still a fan, but I no longer let my fandom define my identity. I zeroed in on writing as a skill I could nurture and develop and share with the world as a contributing member to society.
Could Etika have eventually transitioned from live-streaming gamer personality to advocate for a greater social cause? (Hey, it could have still involved video games in some capacity!)
Perhaps. But mental health is a serious unresolved issue that keeps creeping up in the gaming industry. If nothing else, I hope the tragic loss of Etika will open up the conversation so that serious reforms in mental health can be made.
I say this as a warning, not just to fanfiction writers, but to fan artists, to cosplayers, to creators of AMVs and fan movies, to anyone who finds a creative outlet through the works of others:
Don’t let fandom consume you.
Be kind to yourself.
Reach out to loved ones.
Consider Robin Williams. Here was a man that gave near-limitless energy to his craft, and his brand of comedy touched the lives of millions.
We may never know why Robin Williams committed suicide. But both his death and Etika’s serve as a reminder to connect with others, to reach out to people we care about and to encourage them to do the same.
Because the people who seem the happiest are often the ones burdened with the most pain.
If you or someone you know is grappling with suicidal thoughts please contact the following resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (U.S.) – 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Services Canada – 1-833-456-4566